I wish I was asleep so I could be dreaming of an unrealistic goal of having a white christmas

hmm here we are....six months later....almost to the day of the last post. (I know you were counting) I'm like your favorite new tv show that you watch when your other five favorite tv shows aren't on, you have nothing better to do than to lay on the couch and suddenly my show comes on and you are too tired to switch channels but too awake not to watch. I'm like that. I know. You thought my show got cancelled. Well bitches, I'm back from the brink. Basically(in a nutshell) is that I tried to log on again like once, forgot the password, got reallypissedforfiveminutesforgotaboutitthoughtaboutiteverynowandthendidthislittleshouldershrugthingandwentahhhhhhhhhhhhh.................I'm lazy. And here I was not sleeping and waiting for the wii remote to charge so I can netflix it up again and I thought...why not? (That's how dedicated he is folks). I'll fire up the old digital pen and unleash some of this bullshit no one else will listen to or even half-believe.  So yeah what happened over the last six months? Well I'll consider this like a back to school "What I did on summer vacation" essay. And if that doesn't get you excited........... So. Well I did enjoy the rest of my summer. Stuff happened. Burgers with a side of kettle brand jalapeno chips were eaten. Future skin cancer cells were helped along by heading to the beach with my stellar beach bod mostly revealed.( I'll leave it up to you whether or not this is complete fiction. It's like a choose your own adventure book. If you think Josh is a flabby lying fat-ass turn to page 37, if you think he's injured from how ripped he is turn to 63.) (Although if you have ever eaten kettle brand jalapeno chips then you might know. You just can't stop. My god it's a disease.) So anywho. That happened. Then fall happened. Turning colors and you know....all that other shit. AND...may I elaborate on that little phrase; "that other shit" I WENT BACK TO COLLEGE!!(they're thinking, he went back to college and he still writes like an over eager illiterate dipshit? Well let me respond to that by saying..... if ya been there you know they're ain't a shortage of those at university level. And you should see the students. HA. Just kidding. Well............) Yeah so I went back for psychology. And hey I earned that phrase "back to college." I totally did a quarter back in '06. YEAH. So that happened. And man...did that happen. The daily sched. was like 8-12, college life. 12-2. Married and parent life. 230-1030, oh my god my soul has slowly perished, work life. 1030 to ehh....1200-1230 ish, oh my god my soul is still slowly perishing, homework. Then 100 to like ten minutes later, falling asleep to a tv show on DVD. Then WHAM BAM THANK YOU STAN, it started over. (And may I say, thank god for tv shows on DVD. Thank you) Anyway, you know I'm gettin a little depressed about this now considering I'm going back in January, so I think we'll segway with a little "so. that happened". But it's over now and I passed everything. (Didn't even have to use that bullet I threatened to put in their head) And here we are the eve of christmas. Going to my parents this evening, catch up with my one sister who is in town and her fam. (I know that extra "ily" totally would have cramped up my fingers) And then off to the father-in-law's for the rest of Christmas Eve and staying the night with my wife's family. It's even the "modern family" thing. Her parents are split. So that is hard, needless to say. But when you are no longer in love, what are we expected to do? Well the answer is a lot of different things by a lot of different people. And when a truth like that comes about so devastating to all parties involved, I just don't think there is a "correct" response. A "politically correct" response yes. But a correct, yes this the path that will make all parties involved satisfied with the outcome type of response? Obviously not.(the path to your local watering hole might be the best bet) My wife's only two siblings, her brothers, both live with my father in law. And we traditionally spend Christmas Eve up there and Christmas morning before we head to my parents. And last christmas was my daughter's first and the awesome thing was on Christmas Day we weren't missing my mother in law. Because she was there. So while there may not be a "correct" choice, I think that was a damn good one. So anyway, I think the remote's fully charged now and I can close out this "what I did on my summer vacation" combined with the Christmas Eve after school special. Merry Christmas.

lesbians, benedict arnold and why not?

So my ex girlfriend is a lezbo. And no...I am NOT making this up. Like full on lezzie like GF with the boy hair cut and random facebook profile pictures of like fishnets and splatters of blood...like you know, that whole scene. Been there done that...I'm sure. So yeah there I was surfin the facebook..or facepage as my father in law like's to call it(hey give him points for signing up) and BAM!! There it is. A name from my past. A name that takes me back, all the way to..HA fat chance..ain't goin there brother ain't goin there. Let's just say...shall we..that uh a-herm cough cough it perhaps was NOT my finest hour..("or even my sanest hour.." he mumbles quietly under his breath) What? A ha....nothing! The point is...well the point is...the point is it's friggin weird havin an ex girlfriend that's a lesbian. You know you start to wonder...hey I wasn't the greatest but...uh...etc, etc. Or even worse..in regards to guys...was I the last? The turncoat if you will? The one that turned her into the Benedict Arnold of female sexual orientation? Well you know honestly I'm not too worried. But it is amazing to think that we were ever in the same....ka-tet...to use a term for you dark tower nerds..you know? I mean I was seventeen(you know what I mean) I met her during an audition for a play at R.A. Long and she was just this random hanger on girl that happened to ask me out. And I happened to say yes. Because to a virginal seventeen year old boy with almost zero dating experience there is two words that come to mind. Two words that sum this whole thinking...mulling process....WHY NOT? Ha..no not even a laugh there....too true my friend too true...Wait did I say virginal...I meant highly experienced bedroom cowboy..(you're welcome seventeen year old self)......(although I don't think they're buying what your sellin amigo...or I'm sellin? Oh I'm really abusing these parentheses) But you know back to the point..it's odd. I mean here I am married, with a daughter now and living the straight and narrow and that time period is so foreign to me now. I mean I can't believe that was me when I think back on that. And for those of you who happen to be.... my wife...I'm content. I'm happy in this life I have. This is no nostaglic look back(and if you think that then what the hell is wrong with you?) But you know here she is...all bein a lesbian and stuff...dabbling in porn(so I've heard) And here I am workin the job.... you know going for a walk with my family in the park...it's hard to believe we would ever see eye to eye on anything let alone being in a relationship. But these are our lives....truly stranger than fiction...and where does that leave us? Well....maybe just an amusing anedote to tell my wife on the way to the park..

hmmmm well another early morning post..well get used to that my fellow new fangled world wide web traversers this is what happens when you are a pasty sweat creature to the man(cook for red lion) workin the swing shift. Seriously I would rather collect highly moistorious freshly released dog feces with my bare hands than work swing. Provided the feces is collected in the morning that is. And you know, let me tell you... I know the cure for teenagers with uncertainty regarding their futures, I live the cure friend. Let me take you back.....back....okay too far..acid wash.. okay forward...ah no before Obama..back ah there we go.Good old 2006. Back when W was the current CEO of ass clown enterprises(yahesh best i can do its early...late whatever kiss it...your an ass clown) and...well Britney was still craz(ier)y? Not a very distingushed year it seems but this is the year oh...well I was working at WinCo right? Right. I remember those orange and turqoise accents anywhere. And the geniusly white tile floors am I bitter? no..no..NO........PE NOT AT ALL. Well I was hired as an endentured cart wrangler but they transferred me soon after to maintanence(the boy janitor) where they needed immediate help)... based on my one gigantic qualification of being eighteen. Because seventeen year olds are horribly underqualified to mop up fifty eight foot trails of feces and shattered jars of pickled beets..APARENTLY. Soo yeah this was going along great...great...so naturally I decided to transfer back to carts...which did not work out...because well this part doesn't really matter? No really I'm not avoiding here but this is all just exposition anyway. Backstory. So anywho ladies and gents it don't work out. So I walk up one fine day halfway through work and say okay psssh here's my two weeks toots.(so i may or may not be taking some liberties here but hey it ain't like you were there) And after a disgustingly short pause there is something along the lines of "okay". So there I stand quickly stammering something like "okay then well glad that is settled." Oh hey boss no stop. Oh I was your favorite? In 33 and one quarter years of grocering experience? Oh a raise....
(well let's stop short of complete fiction.) So I finish the week and boom. Jobless scum. Oh yeah and I also went home that night and told my fiancee I had quit. HA. She was totally in the know. And yes she did still marry me. Small wonders. So at the (hot cattle) prodding of my oh so meak and mild and contented fiancee I applied EVERYWHERE and checked in on the applications twice every four minutes. So somewhere in the there was a red lion dishwashing job. And thus history was made. So in complete desperation this job came my way. And so flash forward three years and two months(ish). There is josh, superstar, having worked his way up from the lowly humid climes of thee so named "pit".... to prep cook... to line cook.(And no this part is not fiction) December 09. Laid off my friend. Food and Beverage department restructuring. Had just succesfully applied for our first apartment two months prior because we were sooooo certain in my job's stability. So flash forward(shorter trip) to may of 2010. Line cook position opens at the lion  rouge and presto alakazaam old job back. But see I thought being laid off was a sign. I was already unhappy with my job before the lay off date and it all seemed to be a sign. You're free to start over. Clean slate. But hey the unemployment was running out in June(which was so wonderfully extended by the government in July. Or so I read in the paper in the break room. Bastards.) and I really really liked my apartment. So there I was. And here I am. And I am just realizing I only ever applied at red lion out of utterly complete desperation. Oh.. well that doesn't exactly make me unique in that position now does it? Happens all the time, everywhere. Teenage kids about to be unexpected parents...well forget that music degree. Graveyard convience store attendants gotta come from somewhere. So I'm going back to college in the fall.  I would like to some day be a....well that part isn't really important either. This job really is the cure for an uncertain future. If you live what you sure as hell don't want it suddenly comes screaming into focus. At least it did for me. Good night my fellow anybody that happened to stumble this obscure little blog with currently zero followers(good thing any pride I had washed off in high school).  Two people looked but did not follow. I will find you. But for now...good night.

to begin with..

hmmmm well this is the first blog..as if that won't be obvious based on the fact that I'm just gonna let myself ramble on here in an attempt to suspend my disbelief that someone is actually reading this..well possibly maybe...passing the time while waiting for the netflix movie to repair the connection...maybe..entertained?HA. HAHAHAHA...sorry got a little carried away. Well the best I'll hope for is that for some reason or another you are stuck on this here page ya see? And you can't leave see?(I'm imagining an accent here that seems to be a cross between a parrot and a mentally disabled pirate)(I know but it's the only brain god gave me) Well anyway see I told you I was going to just let myself ramble on here and I just did...I am from the generation y? or x? fuck I don't know the one where everyone drank lots of high fructose corn syrup infused mountain dew had ADHD pretended they were into the budding alternative rock scene name dropping 90's darlings the smashing pumpkins for one but really listening to 'i want it that way' in back seat of their mother's ford explorer publicly speaking curmudgenly sentiments but really....."I don't ever wanna hear you say..." "hmm oh what did you say something josh?" uh nope "i want it..." "hmmm i thought i heard something??!" "DAMMITJEEZUSWOMAN!!"-uhhh just me? So yeah like I was saying there is a slight possiblity of me veering of course. HA! What course? See that's the beauty of it. There is no subject so therefore I am staying right on subject. A paradox?! "Great Scott!" As Doc Brown would say..So I'm leading down a misspelled self depracated journey to nowhere. It's like the warm friendly introduction to your favorite novel minus the...well you get the picture.So here we are my fellow...web traversers?(yes i realize how gay that sounds)(..............super!!!!) I'm letting loose on the keyboard you're stuck super curious or realllllllllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy bored...oh nope just stuck. welcome to off the top. you SONOFABITCH.............................................................(p.s. the new death cab cd is genius.)